{ a month in pictures: May }

May has been an eventful month for us. We have stayed very busy and finished up all the projects and homework assignments that were needed to complete the school year before starting our summer vacation.

1. Natalie had a wonderful teacher this year, Mrs. Morton. Her teacher had the kids do an in class project of taking care of eggs that soon became little chicks. Natalie begged for weeks to bring one home when it was time. I finally gave in and we happily brought "Buddy" home from school.

2. Spencer and Jerome took a paintballing trip with several of their friends. I'm glad they are able to make some of these good memories this summer.

3. The girls and I made these mini cherry cheesecakes for Memorial Day.

4. Jerome spent two weeks out of May in Williamsburg for military training.

5. Natalie and Katie enjoyed splashing in the pool with their neighborhood friends, Autumn and Cheyanne. We had a cookout Memorial Day and had a great time visiting with close friends.

{ acceptance }

I had hoped to wake up this morning not having those same feelings I felt falling asleep to last night. Even though I hit the ground running, getting the kids ready for school, then on to Spencer's eye exam and then back to school again.....I couldn't help but come home and cry.

I woke up to it. I went through my morning routine with it. I carried on conversations with my kids with it. Then finally I came home and was alone with it. It finally pulled me to a point where I couldn't ignore it. I cried. And then I cried some more. I felt like I couldn't function today. I did nothing but mope all day, in this depressed mode of trying to accept the fact that he will be deploying again. Whether I want it or not, he will be going.

I managed to make it through the day, then on to voice lessons for Natalie and drum lessons for Spencer. Once Spencer was back in the lesson room for his lessons I took the girls out to the car. I just couldn't hardly hold my head up, I was exhausted and nautious, everything felt like it was spinning, my head was  hurting and I just wanted to be away from everything. I don't know what is going on. It feels like a deep depression of knowing he is leaving us again. I am trying to accept it. But it is hard. I don't want to accept it. I want to pretend like he isn't going. I want to be able to function again. I want these feelings inside of me to just go away.

I put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight. Then Jerome called and I was able to talk to him for just a bit. Not long, not even enough time to tell him how I've been feeling. And to, there is that part of me that doesn't want to tell him how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be strong right? I'm supposed to be supportive and not burden him with this while he is away....right? But I so very much wanted to tell him. I wanted to cry and tell him how much it is hurting inside trying to accept this. But there wasn't time.

So tonight as I stepped over the paper, markers, scissors and crayons from the school projects we had to make this evening, I decided since there is no one to talk to I would write it out. Let all the words be my feelings, but somehow I can't. I'm telling myself to pull it together. He isn't gone yet, he doesn't leave for several months. The markers and crayons laying in the floor beside me are a reminder to pull it together. If not for my own sanity, for our kids. They don't need a mom who isn't functioning, who isn't distracted while making a postcard of Vermont (one of the projects). They need a mom who is strong, who is able to face this challenge again and not worry about what tomorrow brings. They need me. If they can't have their daddy right now, they need me to be there....to really be there and be strong.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm leaving the crayons and markers where they are for tonight. That way in the morning it will be a reminder to myself to pull it together. If not for myself, for them. I need to accept that he is leaving and the sooner I can accept it, I'm thinking maybe the sooner I'll feel better.

~Amber Hope

{ time }

I never knew how important time was until I started counting down the days.

You realize just how quickly it slips through your fingers.

How quickly the moments flash by you, one after the other.

And in each moment wanting to just stop time, right there where it is so that you don't have to face the unbearing truth of knowing that the time to say goodbye once again is coming.

I've tried tucking it away, the knowing that these next few months are going to go by so quickly. I've tried not thinking about it. Not letting myself remember the heartache and worry that sets in the very moment you let time start moving again.

But like all things, I guess it catches up with you.

Tonight it has caught up with me.

He is in Williamsburg, VA right now training. He has been gone four days. Four days and I am missing him terribly. And with that missing him the heartache and worry has set in. The thought that keeps going through my mind, "this is it. this is how it was, lonely, a quiet house at night" the realization that I am and will be all alone all to soon.

I can't stand it. I don't want it. I don't want to feel this heartache again. This feeling of emptiness and being alone to face whatever life brings at me while he is gone. I am not ready.

~Amber Hope

{ the call.... }

Today we received the call.

The call that I knew was coming, but had hoped that it wouldn't.

The call that is sending my husband to Afghanistan again.

The call that will turn our lives upside down.....again.

We were having a normal day. Jerome had taken the day off to get some things done that he had been needing to. The kids were running in and out of the house barefoot....they were enjoying the weather outside and playing with all the neigbor kids. I was on the phone laughing with April about something that I can't remember now. Jerome walked in the room, looked at me and asked me who I was talking to. He had that look on his face. I hurriedly hung up the phone. We went to our bedroom and that is when he told me, "Amber, that was it.....that was the call".

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But instead I stood there frozen......numb. I wanted to pretend that what he had just told me hadn't really just happened.

He put his hands on my arms and pulled me close to him. I knew he thought I would have cried.....but I was just numb. I wanted to cry, but I just stood there frozen.

Then he said to me, "It will all be OK, we made it through this before, we can do it again. Besides, this time you won't have to worry about me as much. I'll be on a much safer base."

Those words kept repeating over and over in my head, "you won't have to worry about me as much". Then it hit me. I remembered the feeling of going to bed at night, unable to sleep because I was worried about him. How I spent every.waking.moment. trying to function and make it through the day with the "normal stuff" and try to keep my mind distracted and away from all the worry.

Then I cried.

I cried and he held me and promised me it would all be OK.

Then there was a knock on our bedroom door. It was one of our girls, they were wanting Jerome to fix their bicycle. I wiped my eyes, looked at him and smiled, he smiled back and then we opened the door to the normal day we were having before the call.

{ Navy Ball }

We had a wonderful time, just my man and I, at the Navy Ball. I do wish I had pictures of us all dressed up to show, but I wanted more than anything to just enjoy the night.



I did find this picture and thought it was fitting....

{ Chief. }

He is a man of honor.
He is a loving and faithful husband.
He is a dedicated father.
He is a man of faith and honesty.
He is a man of courage, strength and discipline.
He is a man of dignity.
He is a man of trust, and he values that trust.
He is giving and kind.
He is full of compassion and hope.
He is a leader.
He is our anchor, the one that makes our family whole.

{written to my husband for something he needed for making Chief}



I love this picture. The way he is looking at Spencer with pride as his son pins the first pin on. And this one too, as I pin the other pin. He worked so hard for this and he very much deserves it. We are proud of him.













This is us. This is a part of who we are. We are a military family who has seen our fair share of deployments. We've learned how to be strong through deployments. How to have faith in our prayers. How to hope and cherish each and every moment we have together. We have pride in our country. We feel proud and get a little teary eyed at our son's middle school football games when the national anthem is sang beautifully through a quiet crowd. We know that this is where the road of our life has led us to. To serve our country when called, to keep things together on the home front while deployments seem to be never ending. To stay strong and be proud of who we are.

I am a proud Navy wife, proud of my husband who has worked very hard to get where he is today. I am proud of my husband, my best friend, my Chief.