{ acceptance }

I had hoped to wake up this morning not having those same feelings I felt falling asleep to last night. Even though I hit the ground running, getting the kids ready for school, then on to Spencer's eye exam and then back to school again.....I couldn't help but come home and cry.

I woke up to it. I went through my morning routine with it. I carried on conversations with my kids with it. Then finally I came home and was alone with it. It finally pulled me to a point where I couldn't ignore it. I cried. And then I cried some more. I felt like I couldn't function today. I did nothing but mope all day, in this depressed mode of trying to accept the fact that he will be deploying again. Whether I want it or not, he will be going.

I managed to make it through the day, then on to voice lessons for Natalie and drum lessons for Spencer. Once Spencer was back in the lesson room for his lessons I took the girls out to the car. I just couldn't hardly hold my head up, I was exhausted and nautious, everything felt like it was spinning, my head was  hurting and I just wanted to be away from everything. I don't know what is going on. It feels like a deep depression of knowing he is leaving us again. I am trying to accept it. But it is hard. I don't want to accept it. I want to pretend like he isn't going. I want to be able to function again. I want these feelings inside of me to just go away.

I put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight. Then Jerome called and I was able to talk to him for just a bit. Not long, not even enough time to tell him how I've been feeling. And to, there is that part of me that doesn't want to tell him how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be strong right? I'm supposed to be supportive and not burden him with this while he is away....right? But I so very much wanted to tell him. I wanted to cry and tell him how much it is hurting inside trying to accept this. But there wasn't time.

So tonight as I stepped over the paper, markers, scissors and crayons from the school projects we had to make this evening, I decided since there is no one to talk to I would write it out. Let all the words be my feelings, but somehow I can't. I'm telling myself to pull it together. He isn't gone yet, he doesn't leave for several months. The markers and crayons laying in the floor beside me are a reminder to pull it together. If not for my own sanity, for our kids. They don't need a mom who isn't functioning, who isn't distracted while making a postcard of Vermont (one of the projects). They need a mom who is strong, who is able to face this challenge again and not worry about what tomorrow brings. They need me. If they can't have their daddy right now, they need me to be there....to really be there and be strong.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm leaving the crayons and markers where they are for tonight. That way in the morning it will be a reminder to myself to pull it together. If not for myself, for them. I need to accept that he is leaving and the sooner I can accept it, I'm thinking maybe the sooner I'll feel better.

~Amber Hope

{ time }

I never knew how important time was until I started counting down the days.

You realize just how quickly it slips through your fingers.

How quickly the moments flash by you, one after the other.

And in each moment wanting to just stop time, right there where it is so that you don't have to face the unbearing truth of knowing that the time to say goodbye once again is coming.

I've tried tucking it away, the knowing that these next few months are going to go by so quickly. I've tried not thinking about it. Not letting myself remember the heartache and worry that sets in the very moment you let time start moving again.

But like all things, I guess it catches up with you.

Tonight it has caught up with me.

He is in Williamsburg, VA right now training. He has been gone four days. Four days and I am missing him terribly. And with that missing him the heartache and worry has set in. The thought that keeps going through my mind, "this is it. this is how it was, lonely, a quiet house at night" the realization that I am and will be all alone all to soon.

I can't stand it. I don't want it. I don't want to feel this heartache again. This feeling of emptiness and being alone to face whatever life brings at me while he is gone. I am not ready.

~Amber Hope

{ the call.... }

Today we received the call.

The call that I knew was coming, but had hoped that it wouldn't.

The call that is sending my husband to Afghanistan again.

The call that will turn our lives upside down.....again.

We were having a normal day. Jerome had taken the day off to get some things done that he had been needing to. The kids were running in and out of the house barefoot....they were enjoying the weather outside and playing with all the neigbor kids. I was on the phone laughing with April about something that I can't remember now. Jerome walked in the room, looked at me and asked me who I was talking to. He had that look on his face. I hurriedly hung up the phone. We went to our bedroom and that is when he told me, "Amber, that was it.....that was the call".

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But instead I stood there frozen......numb. I wanted to pretend that what he had just told me hadn't really just happened.

He put his hands on my arms and pulled me close to him. I knew he thought I would have cried.....but I was just numb. I wanted to cry, but I just stood there frozen.

Then he said to me, "It will all be OK, we made it through this before, we can do it again. Besides, this time you won't have to worry about me as much. I'll be on a much safer base."

Those words kept repeating over and over in my head, "you won't have to worry about me as much". Then it hit me. I remembered the feeling of going to bed at night, unable to sleep because I was worried about him. How I spent every.waking.moment. trying to function and make it through the day with the "normal stuff" and try to keep my mind distracted and away from all the worry.

Then I cried.

I cried and he held me and promised me it would all be OK.

Then there was a knock on our bedroom door. It was one of our girls, they were wanting Jerome to fix their bicycle. I wiped my eyes, looked at him and smiled, he smiled back and then we opened the door to the normal day we were having before the call.

{ light shining through }

Yesterday evening, after a hard rainstorm, Natalie came running inside from the porch where she had been watching the rain fall. "Mommy, Mommy! You have to come and see the sky how pretty it is!", she said to me. I walked out on the porch and smiled as I looked up at the beautiful sky. "You're right", I told her, "It is a pretty sky this evening isn't it?". She then looked at me, put her hands together, letting me know she was getting ready to ask me something that she thought the answer would be no to. "Mommy, can I please, please, please use your camera and take a picture of the sky?", she asked me. I smiled and said, "Of course you can, just please be careful". She gave me a big hug and ran inside to get my camera. I showed her a few things on it, set it to auto for her and went inside to pull a load of clothes out of the dryer.

She came back in the house after some time and proudly showed me all the pictures she had taken. I told her how good they were.

Last night after putting the girls to bed, I loaded up her pictures and the one above caught my attention. I think it is beautiful. She did a beautiful job of holding a big camera in her tiny hands and capturing what she saw as beauty, the sky showing through our worn out American flag hanging from our front porch.

~Amber Hope

Spencer

My poor little boy needs a puppy! He has been looking so sad lately, missing his Daddy. His 9th birthday is coming up soon (I can't believe he is already going to be that old) and he has asked me forever for a puppy. I always tell him no, not right now or some other parent like excuse. But here lately I have been reconsidering. He has been so lonely since Jerome has been gone and he just seems so sad. I have really been thinking maybe a puppy would be a good idea (not for me of course, but for hime). The other day we were out driving and we passed our local fruit and flowers stand, and they had a big sign up that said "Lab Puppies for sale". I saw him through the rear view mirror looking over there and trying his hardest to get a glimse of the little puppies in the box. It wasn't a few seconds later he was asking me if he could please have a puppy. He was promising me the moon if only he could have a puppy. I said no because right now is just not a good time. The sadness in his face made my heart sink to my stomache. So today I mentioned to him that if he really wanted a puppy that he would have till his birthday to show me that he is responsible enough to take care of one (this is the same boy that I have to argue with to clean his room, lol). I wish I could have bottled up the excitement that was in his face at that second. He about knocked me down with the hug he gave me, "I promise Mommy, I promise, you'll see" he said.
I think a little companion would do him some good right now. Maybe help with some of the loneliness he is having since his Daddy got deployed. I can see such a difference in the two of these pictures. The one with him smiling (well, half smiling, he is in the awkward teeth stage and won't smile showing any teeth or lack there of) was taken the week we got to spend with Jerome at Ft. Bragg before he left and the one of him at the beach is the week after he left.
Now I just have to convince his Daddy. Ha-ha-ha